So i thought i'd get a joke thread going that will hopefully blossom in to a compendium of humour :)

I'll start off with this offering:


MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look
for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.


"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.


The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.


He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have been
released today." :huh: :D

:lol: :lol: :lol:

here's one....

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

:lol: :lol: :lol: Nice i thought it was going to turn in to the one where.....


Three men wash up on a jungle coastline after their ship sinks, and are soon captured by a tribe of cannibals.

The cannibals explain that they are going to eat them and make boats with their skins, but before the are killed the chief of the tribe says they can each have a last request.

The first man asks for as much booze as he can drink, and promtly gets hammered, passes out and is killed.

The second man asks for four women to screw him until he can take it no more, and is sexually pleasured until he also passes out from exhaustion and is killed.

The third man asks for a fork, puzzled the chief grants his request and stands back.

"You're not going to make a bloody boat out of me" shouts the third man whilst violently stabbing himself all over.

:huh: :rolleyes: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny , Fred'd little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school".
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue"

:o :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: good one :D

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Mick.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigit.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke
and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his backside was cut and bleeding.

He found a full box of Band-Aids and began putting them on as best he
could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty
Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and
backside and Brigit staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly
... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

2 women walking home from the pub,very drunk and desperate for a wee,decide to pop into the graveyard to relieve themselves.
They had no bog roll so the one woman uses her pants and throws them away,while the other used a ribbon from a wreath.

The next day their husbands were talking "we'd better keep an eye on our wives" one said,"mine came home without her knickers last night"
"You think that's bad?" replied the other,"mine came home with a card up her arse, saying "from all the lads at the fire station.....we'll never forget you"!

:P

PMSL!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:




A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome
Paul's flat mate Simon was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
And this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
But I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates."
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul. He sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,

I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M
NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT
REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother that read:

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT
YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS
SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW


LOVE MUM

:D

:lol: :lol: Two oldies but goodies :lol: :lol:


Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens
look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50
per pair"

Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of
dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a feckin' fortune.

Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all
the talking

Cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll
speak in my best English accent.'

'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says
Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100
shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up
my van and ."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well . . Yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' tell
dat?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

The ghost of the late Steve Irwin is roaming the streets of Ipswich,...getting his revenge on anything with big flaps and stinking of fish............

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word
on nutrition and health.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you. :angry:

je ne comprendez pas!!! (sp!!!!) :lol: :lol: ;)


meanwhile........

A University of Wales professor, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read computer messages with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. :P